Wall Balls? I’m in. A bunch of filler around it? I will make do, but please, let me do more wall balls!
For time:
1600m Row (I biked 2 miles each rowing session, as the rowers were full)
100 Double-unders (attempts for me.. I did not want to do burpees!)
50 Wall-balls
100 Double-unders
1600m Row
It was awesome and awful and I’m so glad I finished under the 30 min time cap! And the assault bike was hell. Cardio Fun Time.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been sad with bouts of happy sprinkled in. The happy parts never last, and the sad parts always creep back in. I have happy memories, but for every happy memory, I have hundreds of sad ones. Memories of being hurt, rejected, ignored, passed over for other, cooler friends. Being forgotten about, brushed aside. Slighted. Used. Taken advantage of.
I can fake it. I can pretend that life is fucking perfect, but it never has been. It should be. I have everything I could possibly want.
—– Got up and took two GABA —–
I have been on anti-depressants, which I’ve hated and refuse to go back on. I have been to therapy, which sucked. I have tried changing my outlook, my attitude, but it always creeps back up. I have taken up various types of routines, workout regimens, diets, and while I’d say the more rigorous workouts and cleaner diets tend to have the best results, I am still sad.
I can blame hormones, but if I chart it in the calendar, there is no rhyme or reason to it. No hormonal explanation. I have done this for years, and just dealt with it.
All the way through high school, through college, through being a teacher, through being fat, then thin, then fat again. I have always been sad. I smile for all my pictures, I feel good when people are excited to see me, but I also don’t want to let anyone in. Every time I let someone in, I get hurt. Or they end up being a clingy, crazy friend which I feel like I have to sever ties with. Or I just can’t fully connect with them. Or, turns out they’re just being polite, and they don’t wait around long enough to listen to me speak. When I do find someone I can trust, our schedules don’t coincide. I can’t ever talk to them when I feel like I need them. I can never truly connect with others. I crave it so much, too. I absolutely desire human connection on a soulful level.
Two weeks ago, I thought it was hormones, so I let time tell. Last week, I knew it couldn’t possibly still be hormones, but I thought well maybe this month is different. And this week, same. I’m bummed. I feel like life is passing me by.
I hate prescriptions, I hate anti-depressants. Drinking makes me feel like shit. I’m so fucking sore from working out this week that I wisely chose not to go today. I don’t know what to do. My body can only handle so much crossfit for those endorphins. I’m so over yoga, even though I keep thinking I should go back and take a class soon. I know I’ll feel out of place and unwelcome though. Yoga is always a struggle for me. While I may be good at it, I never feel like I really belong. I am always an outsider.
I have never felt accepted, ever, in my life, until I started crossfit. But even crossfit doesn’t always yield the best results. 99% of the time, I leave and I feel amazing, but this week it felt good, but it was so unrewarding, even when I worked harder and pushed myself farther. I left the gym all week long still feeling like something was missing. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel better after a workout. It was almost a panicked feeling, because I thought to myself, well what the fuck am I supposed to do now if this doesn’t work?! How much harder can I push myself? Is this what it feels like to have my endorphins give up on me?
—– GABA has kicked in —–
I am tired of feeling like I am missing out on life, but I don’t know what else to do. I have always called bullshit on the mainstream mental health movement. I don’t believe in conventional western medicine. It hasn’t worked. It’s just a way of getting people to become dependent on a slew of prescription drugs that you need other prescription drugs to counteract the side effects for. I believe there are natural treatments for just about everything.
Maybe there is no normal. Maybe this is normal, and after 35 years, you’d think I’d fucking get used to it. I often feel like my problems couldn’t possibly be that big of a deal, compared to what others are struggling with. But goddamn it, this is my life that I need to be responsible for. Knowing that others are suffering or hurting shouldn’t undermine my own issues or struggles, as they are very real to me. And if I feel like something’s not right, I want to honor that feeling and allow myself to discover it and work through it.
I’d also like to point out that right about when my GABA started kicking in, I went from a sad and teary mess, to numb, calm, and apathetic (much more desirable to the former feeling..) I guess there’s my answer for right now.
Just like it sounds, we had a 3 Rep Max Power Clean, and I PRed it! I went back and tried to find more info on the last time I did Touch and Go cleans, 3 in a row, at this weight and I don’t know that I’ve done it before. So. PR for me! 155lbs.
The rest of the WOD was awful… double unders. But. I can do them, but I’m terrible at them. And the more tired I am, the harder they are for me.
This time though, you couldn’t just sissy out and do double singles, or even triple singles. Nope. You had to do burpees.. and you had to do a certain amount of burpees based on how long you had been doing CF. Me, being a seasoned veteran, had this ridiculously high amount of burpees to do, so I tried so hard to do my DUs.. I tried, and failed. Kept trying. I’m pretty sure I did some damage to my feet, but I kept going.
There’s absolutely no way I did the RX amount of DUs, but I tried. And that’s definitely one way to get us to do more of them! Nobody wants to do burpees…
As many rounds and reps as possible in 14 minutes of:
5/10/15/20/25/30/35/40… Hang Power Clean (115#/75#)
30 Double Unders
I finished 6 + 6.
Even though it was a great power clean complex, the WOD really set me off and furthered my little downward spiral that you’ll read about next. Might I also add… that I had absolutely wrecked my traps from these last couple days.. Traps, neck, shoulders. This was kind of the beginning of the mess I was going through in my head. A defeating WOD, (double unders or burpees? Neither..) It just chipped away at my self esteem, and it was awful.
650 is a good, solid number. And to go back and document everything is dreadful. And I have been going several times a week, so the chances that I’ve gone 30 times in the last 3 months is very likely. Any workouts or CF days where I feel like going back and documenting, well, I’ll just come up with an arbitrary number in between 619 and 650 and nobody will ever know.
Today was good. Today was my let’s get this shit together and get this done day. It felt really good, and I even left work a little early to make sure I didn’t have any bad excuses. Made it in time for the 5:30 wod and it was the following:
3 rounds
1 : 50 double unders
2 : max reps bench (135/95)
3 : 10 pendlay row (135/95)
4 : 1 legless rope climb + 1 rope climb
5 : max push ups
6 : rest
Score is bench/push ups numbers.
I did some DUs at the very beginning during our warm up, but went right into singles for the WOD. No sense in screwing up my feet for this.
I did 1 regular rope climb per round, instead of 1/1 or 2 regular rope climbs.
I used 65lbs for the bench, and 55 for the Pendlay rows.
My score was 73/45 and it felt amazing.
I feel like I’m in a confessional. Forgive me Father.
I also feel like a broken record. I keep posting and apologizing for not posting. I’m thinking to reformat how I do this. I’m coming up on my 5 year CrossFit anniversary in a few months, and keeping track of my daily WODs… well, it’s really cool. But I suck at managing something that only feels like an obligation right now.
I’ve gone through so much in the last few weeks. A fast track to Hell and back. It wasn’t my Hell though, it was my Mom’s. I need to stop and spend some time and really devote a few hours to writing and updating this. So I can put it all in writing and give the story the time it deserves.
I am still here. I am still working crazy hours. I am still going to the gym. I just got home from spending a few weeks up north with my Mom and John. I am trying to find and establish my new normal. Trying to juggle my emotions from dealing with death and dying, to acting happy with customers, pretending like I care about what is seemingly now mundane bullshit. Trying to be healthy again. Trying to re-establish healthy choices. Trying to just be happy and content. Holy fuck. Trying to be happy.
When I see people I normally would have engaged in light-hearted conversations with, I turn and walk the other way. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to deal with small talk or chit chat. I don’t want to be asked if I’m okay, or how are you holding up….? With big doe eyes. I’m fine. The reality is, all this small talk and chit chat doesn’t matter to me. And I’m tired of wasting my time on shit that doesn’t matter.
I just want to be alone, and work, and work out. And get shit done. I’m fine. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of recanting the story, the series of events, the days, leading up to John’s passing.
I don’t want to argue about dimensions, or debate with customers about where their package is (thanks UPS…) The phone rings, and I cringe. The front door to the office opens and closes and I lock myself in my office, and hope that one of the boys deals with the in flux foot traffic.
I feel like this has been part of the real me all along, except I’m even more straightforward than ever before. Fake it til you make it? I don’t really care. Not right now, anyway. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe I’ll want to open up to people again, but right now, the only person who understands me is my Mom, and vice versa. If I’m not talking to, or spending time with my mom, then I just want to be alone. Please.
The last time I did Transformers, I PRed my Front Squat at 220, and I had a 20 min time cap, in which I did 9 + 11 rounds and reps. We also did ring rows and ring dips last time, as our modification, while this time, I did pull ups. We didn’t have a 20 min time cap this time around, but I did use 155lbs as my weight the whole way through, and I finished in 23:56. I was happy with this, as I did pull ups, and a pretty heavy weight all the way.
I believe last year I used 135 lbs, but this year, to do all 20 reps at 155… that was serious, and hard, and awesome. And I felt amazing for finishing.
Our amazing friend Lauren recently lost her dad, and to commemorate and celebrate his life, Gina wrote a WOD with him in mind that a few of us did on Father’s Day. It was beautiful, hard, tear-jerking, and wonderful. We have such an amazing community.
58 = age, 3 rounds = 3 children, 6/3/57 = birthday
You don’t realize how much your grip sucks until you do a workout like this..
1000m row buy in
then
3 Rounds
3 Rope Climbs
200m Farmer Carry (70/55 per hand)
10 Hang Snatch (95/65)
I went, I did it, I hated it. I finished in 25.28, but I do recall using sissy KBs on the last round. My hands just couldn’t take it. I don’t know how everyone else suffered through that, my hands simply hated me!
Need to work on these weaknesses.. but for now, please enjoy this picture of my amazing sweet potato brownies!
I really have no recollection of this workout, but apparently I did it because a) Facebook says so and b) my name is on the board.
I even wrote about it on FB, saying “I almost didn’t show up today, until Russell called me out.” So it’s confirmed! I did this one. I had to go because it was my 4 year anniversary with CFTC, and Russ was waiting for our 4 year picture together. Stay tuned, it’s pretty cute. Below is my post from the Facebook.
4 years ago, when I was in search of a new CrossFit gym, I walked into CFTC hoping I would find my new ‘place’. I had already had a great phone call with Russell about my previous 4ish months of CF experience, and although I was super nervous, I still held my head up, smiled at everyone, introduced myself, and did my best. I was worried I’d never find that new ‘home’ that I was looking for, that this CFTC community wouldn’t be ‘accepting any applications’ for a new member, and I’d never regain what I had once had with my first CF gym. Within a few short days and lots of smiling and introductions later, I knew I belonged. I also knew that I had just graduated to ‘grown-up CrossFit’ with CFTC, and the expectations my coaches had for me were insanely high. They all knew that if I kept trying, practicing, and working towards my goals, that I’d achieve them and keep right on going.
Joining the CFTC Family was hands down one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’ve said it a thousand times, but CrossFit has completely changed my life. I have done things I never in a million years thought I’d be capable of accomplishing. I’ve met so many incredible people who are so supportive and amazing, I’ve traveled all over to participate in some pretty insane competitions (I’ve never been a competitor!) and it has all been because of my awesome gym. I went from being depressed, obese, and unhealthy with a generally negative outlook on just about everything to being happy, strong as hell, in the best health of my life, and ridiculously positive about (almost) everything. I still have a long way to go, but I have learned that this is all a journey. We all get to choose what we do along this long road called life, and I can’t imagine mine without CFTC.
On a final note, Russ totally called me out, because I absolutely was NOT planning on doing today’s workout. But thanks to Facebook, he was reminded that this was my 4 year anniversary and we had to take a picture to commemorate it. 🙂 When I got to the gym, he ran up to me, all smiles, ready for this picture to happen. (and I wasn’t all sweaty and gross yet! You’re welcome, Russ.) So.. here’s to 4 years of hard work, sweat, tears, struggles, teamwork, laughter, awesomeness, and family. I don’t know where I’d be today without you guys!
The Lumberjack 20 is:
20 Deadlifts (275/185lbs) No idea what I did, but I doubt it was 185. My back has not been happy with DLs lately.
Run 400m
20 KB swings (70/55) I did 55
Run 400m
20 Overhead Squats (115/85lbs)
Run 400m
20 Burpees
Run 400m
20 Chest to Bar (I definitely didn’t do C2B, maybe I did pull ups?
Run 400m
20 Box jumps (24/20)
Run 400m
20 Squat Cleans (95,65)
Run 400m
I’m pretty sure I rowed or biked, more than likely I biked. This is ridiculous. This is why it’s important to keep up with my blog and check in every day when I go to the gym! I have no idea what I did here…
All over those squat cleans, but jesus. I don’t know. I need to start paying better attention. 🙂
So I’ve been trying off and on to get to the 6a classes, just because it’s better to go in and get it out of the way, over with, done. Awesome.
Patty and I went and did the WOD together!
Grace Meets JT
21-15-9
HSPU (strict)
Ring Dips (strict)
Push Ups
*10 clean and jerks after every round (135/95)
I finished in 18:06, and I used RX weight!