I need to take a break or do something differently here. I keep going in and expecting to attain this high that I’m used to experiencing from going twice a day, but I feel like my body is caving in from the sheer madness I’m putting it through. Or my head’s not in the right place. Or I’m just being a girl. I fucking hate having to deal with girly hormones and emotions.
So instead of doing the WOD yesterday, I go in and run instead, and these little milestones I keep reaching are great and all, like yesterday I ran 2km without stopping, in 14 min, and the few people I share it with get excited for me, but in reality, I don’t even want to share it though. In my head, the typical reaction should be more like, oh yeah cool, great. You can just now do what everyone else has been able to do forever.. congrats. Way to catch up, oh wait, you’re still a slow as shit runner. So I finish and get excited, and then I have a fallen feeling like oh.. nobody cares. I don’t have anyone to share this with.. and I get my stuff and go.
Do people notice when I’m not there??? Do they even notice that I left?
Today I went in and ran 2.2km instead. Further, and in just under 17 min. So I was happy with that. But again, I go in, and I feel like if I share it with anyone, they just get excited for me because they feel obligated to, which makes me not want to bother anyone with my stupid milestones. Nobody gives a shit anyway.
Tom, my trainer, had 270lbs on the bar, and I wanted to hop on and see if I could backsquat it. Stupid of me. A) I interrupted his sets, even though he said I could, and B) I totally got the first one, but my squat wasn’t deep enough, so I didn’t rest long enough before I tried it again and dumped the bar. Except that I was falling forward, and couldn’t lean back enough for the bar to roll off my back. Instead, I tumbled forward and ducked really fast to have the bar go over my head. I was lucky enough to not get hurt, but still. That was just fucking stupid of me. I wasted his time and I could’ve really hurt myself.
I’m full of frustration today. I need to snap out of this shit. I want to go in and blend in and not stand out, not take longer than anyone else, not be faster than anyone else.. I just want to go in, smile, not talk, not complain through whatever stretches we have, not make stupid small talk that nobody cares about.. just go in, do the workout, get my stuff and leave.
I’m really down right now and I don’t know how to fix it. I really hope it is just hormones, but if it is, I wish I knew how to control them better and make this stupid shit go away. Because right now I feel like I’m screaming inside my head, and nobody can hear me, and even if they did, they’d be like.. oh god.. what’s her problem now? *rolleyes* I feel like just talking to people about how I feel is a burden on them, and that I’ll get through it anyway, regardless of who I talk to, so I might as well keep my shit to myself.