I was going to combine this with yesterday’s post, but I started rambling to the point where I felt like this one deserved its own post.

Crossfit Day 45 – 4/25/12

Today’s workout was tough. I’ve been elsewhere mentally, especially with having a rental car (sounds so stupid but its not MY car.. not my stuff, not comfy, hurts my tailbone to sit, makes weird noises, sits low to the ground, blah blah blah blah..) and thinking about this upcoming weekend because we’re going to West Palm, and the measurements from this morning.  They were all wonky because the last time I was measured, it was done by my other coach Erin M, who does it a little differently, so I have no idea how accurate they are now.. or how far I’ve really come, except that I’ve lost 15 lbs.  I have so much more weight to lose and I feel like I’m stalling.  Am I not doing enough?

I’m sore and beat up, and tired but when I’m not working out, I feel like I’m not doing enough.  At work, there’s only so much I can do, and we have so many great people who we’ve trained to do the job, so for the most part, I don’t even need to be there. My only real sense of fulfillment (maybe that’s the wrong word?) right now is what I’m doing in crossfit and how it’s changing my body and the way that I feel.  That sounds so awful, I know.  What happens when I reach my goal? What IS my goal? Then what? I feel like my first month I saw so many number changes, that shit was happening fast, but then this month, it’s been slow, but the physical changes have really started kicking in. But with the stall in numbers, how long is this going to take?  I have no doubt in my mind that this is what I want to do for a LONG time into my future, so it’s not like I’m going to reach a goal and then stop. But will I feel accomplished and fulfilled then? Or will there still be that certain feeling that I’m looking for something but haven’t found it yet? and WTF is wrong with me?  I have everything I could possibly want, why would I feel unfulfilled in any other aspect of my life?

Maybe I’ll hoop a little tonight. Haven’t done that in awhile.

So anyway, I want to get away from this emotional ^ shit, and just post about today’s workout.  Was a great group today! Hard workout, and not because of what we had to do, but because of what it did to my body. For the last 2 workouts, I had my feet flexed which aggravates my shins, but I had been okay up until this point. Well, we did the powerlifting seminar this past weekend, where we worked on our form, and Billy showed us how to dead lift without it hurting our lower backs.

For today’s workout, we had deadlifts (115 lbs for me) 21-15-9 reps, and 21-15-9 box jumps and then 3 x 300m run with 1 min rest in between each 300m. The way that I had learned to hold myself; keep my chest up, sit on my heels, and do the deadlifts changed the way my body lifts weight. In doing all of the above, I kept my feet flexed, my toes pointed upward, thus straining my shins and the muscles around them.  Not usually a big deal, except they were already fatigued from the last 2 days. 

So after I finished my first 21 reps of dead lifts, I went on to do my box jumps. I got set up to jump, and BARELY cleared the 20″ box. WTF? I was so puzzled. Why can’t I do this? Why is this hard? I had no control over my legs below my knees.  I set up for the 2nd one, and by the grace of God, I made it and didn’t scrape my shins on the edge of the box. Not sure how I cleared it. What the hell.. so when I realized I had no control over picking my feet up by way of jumping, I opted to step for the rest of my reps.  This happened again into my 15 reps, because I tried jumping again, and same. I felt like I was going to completely fall. Because of this, I finished last at 7 min 42 seconds. (Fucking sucks, I hate finishing last. What happened to being strong and getting stronger here?)  But it wasn’t over yet. We still had our 3 x 300m runs to finish.  This really hurt because my shins were so sore. Running only made it worse, but I didn’t want to quit or complain (and here I am complaining about it.)  I did them in 1:33, 1:27, 1:20, again, worst times out of everyone. For someone who’s been doing this for 3 months now, I personally expect more from me.

I feel defeated today.