Today I felt a little defeated. Slow and terrible with my endurance. I was happy with the workout though, but I’m disgusted with myself for always being last when it comes to stamina with this shit! I feel like my first 5 months of Crossfit was a sham, or a false sense of accomplishment (I know this isn’t true, but its how I feel sometimes) because I was with others who were around my skill level, some better, some worse, but I always felt like what I was doing was good and that I was making progress. Now I feel like I’m the slowest, the fattest, and the almost always the last to finish. I feel like everyone else is waiting on me, pitying me, and that I’m not really a part of the new ‘club’ yet because I’m not as fit or as strong or as confident as they are. I still miss my old family and that camaraderie we all shared. I miss my trainer, I miss my friends, I miss being a part of that awesome group where everything was fun and a challenge, I miss playing my cheesy hip hop music that got everyone going. I haven’t found that yet with my new, giant family, and although I see all of them having what I had, I’m stressing that I won’t ever feel like I belong with them, that I can’t reach their level. I hate that I’m even posting this, really. I just need to suck it up.
And I say Tired of Sucking in the title.. I know I’m strong. I know I can lift weight, and lots of it. But I want to be able to RUN 800m without feeling like I’m going to die. I want to be able to do 100 burpees without wanting to die, I want to be able to do 50 box jumps and 50 dead lifts and 1000m row without my shin bones wanting to split through my skin. I love me some box jumps and wall balls and back squats and rowing, and sit ups! And KB swings! I’m losing my confidence in myself because it feels like we’re always doing really HARD shit that I suck at mixed with a couple things I’m good at, and the shit I suck at just drags me down. I don’t feel like I’m making progress like I used to. GOD I’m tired of complaining about this.
I messaged my coach after our workout today, explaining a little of this and apologizing for my distance today. I felt like I needed to explain myself and apologize to him for being shitty and not getting the movements (hang cleans) right, and he suggested coming to the oly class next week to learn better skills for my form.
When I responded to him, I let him know I’d like to go ahead and up my membership from 3 days a week to unlimited. His response was ‘lol see ya later, spin class!’ and he’s right. If I want to step it up, I’ll be ditching spin and committing 100% to crossfit. I LOVE spin, but I’m never sore afterwards, except for my feet, and I often feel like wtf is the point if I don’t feel the pain/soreness after? So… tomorrow, I am cancelling my YMCA membership, and proceeding full time with Crossfit Total Control. Whew. I need to make the most of this. Do I do 5 days a week? 6 days? Can I even do that? Am I physically capable of doing that? Will that even do anything for me?
I hope I snap out of this and step it up. This attitude doesn’t do me any good. 🙁
Anyway, today..
15 min spent on getting our max hang cleans. I’m maxed out at 135, and frustrated that I can’t go any higher. My form is shitty.
Our workout today was the following:
3 RFT
5 muscle ups (awesome, something I can’t do) substituted with 10 ring dips and 10 ring rows
5 hang cleans 155/115 (I did a measly 65 lbs, to try and focus on form)
5 front squats 155/115 (Jenny insisted I do the Rx on this one and set up a new bar for me, so 115 lbs here)
15 GHD sit ups – Now, I can do these, but Russ had the ‘beginners’ do 25 regular sit ups instead. This slowed me down, and made me feel like a fool since I finished last. Awesome.
