I haven’t maxed out my front squat in ages, I mean, I did back in April, but before that? Ages. One of the previous times I tried, I remember bailing out towards the bottom of the squat, and the bar caught my hand wrong and over-extended my wrist. It was painful and it still gives me trouble once in a while. Because of that, I’ve been wary of going heavier than what I knew I could do, and stuck with my safe weight.
I was excited to come in for the WOD, but for whatever reason, I got super bummed watching the previous class go, and just didn’t feel it. I was being hard on myself, a whole lot of negative self-talk. Watching others interact, perform, be amazing, and here I was, 3 1/2 years in and I haven’t gotten a whole lot smaller or prettier or more toned. Meanwhile all these other girls were just, gorgeous. Strong, athletic, defined. So yeah, I was pissed. It’s my own fault, of course. (Stop fucking eating, Alicia.) But it still sucks to watch others who have been doing CF for less time than you be better than you and look better than you. Such is life, but this is a common occurrence in mine. I always want to do well, but I’ll never be the best. And yes, this is everywhere, I know. I want to be great, but others will always be greater, better, nicer, stronger, prettier, more attractive, more bubbly, more defined, more confident.
Even just writing this brings back all of those feelings. I don’t like admitting them, because I don’t. Strong people don’t show weakness, and while I’m supposed to be strong, I feel super vulnerable. It’s almost like, Oh Alicia’s so strong, she doesn’t need support! She doesn’t need hugs, or smiles, or whatever. She doesn’t need attention or recognition or any of those things we all as human beings crave and desire. It’s cool.
But I do. I feel like I’m getting older (I am), and I feel like I’m slipping away sometimes. Losing it.
Nate saw me at the beginning of my class, and while I thought I was just keeping quiet and keeping my shit to myself, he pulled me aside and gave me this pep talk about coming in and being awesome, and setting my goals and saying to myself that I was going to PR and blah blah. And it caught me off guard. I really didn’t want to hear it, and I wasn’t prepared for it, and had he kept going, I probably would’ve started crying. He backed off after a few minutes and let me go do my warm up. I still felt like shit, because I just knew I wasn’t going to PR my front squat. I hadn’t in years.
Well, the problem with walking away from a post that pisses you off as you’re writing it and coming back later on to finish is.. it’s hard to re-set that tone of being pissed off about something when you’re not pissed off anymore. I started writing this yesterday and it literally made me mad and aggravated, to where I just got up and stopped. I keep coming back to it and looking at it like, man, I’m just not pissed anymore. How do I finish? hah
Anyway, I’ll just go on to tell you that I fucking PRed my front squat, so THERE. My old was 220, and this day I did freaking 235. 235!!! Yeah buddy. I went for 245 and had to bail at the bottom. I just didn’t have it in me. Next time. 🙂
THE WOD: The wod is a different story. Part of it was great, and the other part was awful.
6 Bar Muscle Ups (or 12 ring rows)
5-4-3-2-1 Squat Cleans at the following weights 95, 105, 115, 125, 135 (for girls)
I did my 12 ring rows, and I did all my squat cleans! Awesome. Love me some squat cleans. I finished in 9:19
|Fuck yeah Nate and me!|