It’s time to write this.

Day 100 of Crossfit WODS. Monumental for me, and emotional as well. (Not because of 100 WODs, though.) I don’t know what was wrong, I didn’t realize anything was wrong, and then I got to the gym. I saw we had to start with a 400m run, which I wanted to do early to get it over with. I hate those 400m runs. Why are 300m runs SO much easier? That last 50-100m always get to me, for some reason. I’m just ecstatic that I can run those now without stopping, but it doesn’t change how much I hate them.

I finished my 400m run winded, as usual, and last, as usual. We jump right into some warm up movements, that for the first time (for me) included crab crawls (on your hands and feet, but with your stomach facing up, get it, crab crawls..)

Awful awful crab crawls..

Finished those, moved into bear crawls (got those) and then moved along to supermans.

Supermans

When you’re doing supermans, you start on your stomach, and roll over in one direction onto your back, hold for a few seconds, and then roll back over to your stomach, hold, and then roll in the other direction. Sounds simple, unless your shoulder hurts, especially when your arm is extended as shown. 🙁

I felt the tears springing during our supermans, but I suppressed them, fortunately. My left shoulder hurt so badly with our arms outstretched like this.  From here we went into a 5 minute squat hold. A squat hold is where you just squat, and wait… and wait.. and wait. I knew this would hurt my hips, but I was okay with it, because it didn’t involve my SHOULDER.

Of course we moved right along into shoulder mobility with the resistance bands. It wasn’t until I had to twist my arm behind my back and hold onto the band (which was attached to the pull up rig) that I started to lose it. The pain of having my arm twisted like that, plus the resistance, was just too much. I felt like all I was doing was complaining though, so I didn’t want to say anything. This keeping quiet part didn’t last very long, and I started protesting. Wtf I’m shorter than everyone else, my shoulder is killing me, it’s putting more pressure on my shoulder than what others are experiencing! Like, I had a mini tantrum and I didn’t know what to do, but I didn’t want to NOT do what we were supposed to do! I don’t want accommodations, I just want to finish what we’re instructed to do. Just thinking about this again makes me emotional, jesus.

Justin came running over when he saw me fidgeting, and grabbed my right hand and clamped it onto the band over my head (to pull on it) to give my left shoulder some slack. The tears were already welling up in my eyes though. Russell was watching me, and asked me what was going on.. If I talked, I would start crying, I told him. and I shut up from there.

We finally finished that, and then we had to do an accumulation of 2 minutes’ worth of L-sits on the rings.

My upper body/shoulder strength is shit. I can do my handstands, and handstand push ups, toes to bar, and wall balls and all that, but rope climbs, muscle ups, pull ups, ring dips (without a band), not so much. With my shoulder being all jacked up, AND already hurting from the other shit we had done so far, I was freaking out in my head about this. Again, I don’t like to not be able to do something. I’m terrible at sucking.

We started our L-sits on the rings and watched the clock to count seconds. I could literally only hold in an l-sit for 5-7 seconds at a time. The frustration started in again, and I started crying uncontrollably, both from the pain radiating through my left shoulder, and from the fact that this would take me seemingly forever to finish. I tried to hide my face though, because I was so ashamed that I couldn’t do this as well as everyone else. I ended up accumulating something like a 1:15 worth of L-sits, and stopped and walked away for a sec. Russ looked at me and saw my face, and he said something along the lines of ‘does that hurt your shoulder?’ and I was like YES it hurts!!! and he said ‘well then STOP doing it!’ It was then that I lost it.

He spent a few minutes with me, trying to talk me through it. You won’t always be able to do everything you want to do, but you have to keep trying. You’re not going to always get it, but you can’t hurt yourself over this stuff. You have to give your body time to heal and recover. I cried the whole time he talked, embarrassed of myself and my inability to do this shit. I hate crying, and I’ve never cried during crossfit before. This wasn’t even the damn WOD! wtf.

Our WOD was the following:

 21-15-9
wall balls (16lb)
ring dips (banded)
30 hollow rocks per round

For the first time that day, I was proud of myself.. I finished 2nd in our 6:30p class. Even though I used the band for the ring dips, and the ring dips hurt my shoulder, I was able to blow through the wall balls. The hollow rocks I just wanted to get over with, even though they’re hard to do too. Finished in 9:05.  Of course, I started crying again when I finished, as I laid on the floor. So annoyed with myself! I was a mess.

I told Russell and Justin about my 100th WOD. I wanted to make sure I finished it before I said anything! I was instructed to include the crying part in my facebook status if I was going to post about it. Was a bittersweet accomplishment, not sure why I was so overwhelmed that day.

I want to pick up and move on to the next 100 WODs. If I keep going 5 days a week like I have been, I’ll be at another 100 WODs by Christmas 2012.  I’ve got a long way to go, and I’m still apprehensive about my accomplishments from time to time. I still feel like I’m ‘not as good as everyone else’. I still feel like I’m always trying to catch up to everyone else. Everyone else is way ahead of me, and I’ll never be where they are. I know my friends will say shit like ‘don’t worry about everyone else! blah blah blah’ but it’s hard to not compare your abilities to others’ when you all work out together, and when you’re frequently last, and when you still have so far to go, goals-wise. I still need to drop more weight, and because of my muscle-building, it’s been horrifically slow. I did lose 2 inches this month on my waist and 2 inches on my hips, but damn it, the fucking scale doesn’t budge very often!  I’m tired of being the ‘fat chick who does crossfit’. 🙁

So yay for 100 WODs. The next 100 WODs better be spectacular.